You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
