I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
