Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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