my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
did i walk over a car last night?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
