new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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