Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
last night I used snow as a chaser
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
