I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
