Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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