Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
