dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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