I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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