Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
