i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
