he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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