You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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