You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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