I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i wish my penis had a tongue
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
