I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
