Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
We have started to decorate penises.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
