I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
this boner is exhausting
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
