How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
