I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
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