How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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