did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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