TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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