You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
