Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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