She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
