Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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