Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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