i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
This baby is an asshole
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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