i used baking grease as lip gloss
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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