So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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