I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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