1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
