i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
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The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
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Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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