Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
At least life still wants to fuck me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
