i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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