whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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