Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
