My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
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Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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