remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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