im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
