I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
