Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
