Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
