I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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