I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
