Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
