My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
