I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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