My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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