My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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