i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
