I'll bet she douches with gravy.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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