"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
