just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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