Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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